i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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