There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
