i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
