Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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