Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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