highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
