Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
