Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
