Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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