i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
