no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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