she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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