I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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