There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
