so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
