Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
