This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Oh god it's open bar.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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