ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
