i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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