I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
