Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
