The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
