Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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