no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
