theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
