It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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