I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
