I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
