I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
