I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
