Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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