I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
