I met the friendliest cop last night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
