I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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