I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
