My sheets look like a crime scene.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
