im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
