The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
