Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
