she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we're making bets on your personal life
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
