I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
