I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
