no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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