dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
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