One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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