He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
