So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
