Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I could fuck to npr.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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