im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
