I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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