Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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