seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
