...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
