Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
